Don't mind me

Oh hey there guys, just stoppin in to grab something I left when I was here last time. Found it. Well, see ya in another 6 months!

Dumb and Dumber Fight Club

Was anyone afraid of spiders before the movie Arachnophobia or was this the start of all the hate mongering? I mean sure I hate Hobo spiders. But who doesn't hate a spider that won't get a job and would rather be homeless wandering around asking for spare change and holding signs that say "will build webs for food" but then they blow the money on booze and insects. That just ain't right.
Anyways, I was just thinking this as I watched a spider wander around my apartment for a minute before I engaged him in an epic battle. As he explored I watched from afar. Plotting when and how I would attack. He was unsuspecting. He ran across the TV stand. He climbed over the fruit loop that has been there for over a year and now really ties the room together. He stopped and waved a few of his legs around to which I likened to a human singing Justin Bieber into the bathroom mirror and not knowing someone was watching. It was cute. That's when I decided I needed to act. Since I was barefoot I decided to go with the "smash with tissue and flush him" action. This has been a proven method and figured it would go with out a hitch. I pounced and got him. As I brought up the tissue he jumped. He landed on his 8 legs just as two cats that were tied together would have and started running. Right at me. He wasn't backing down. This same thing happened twice on the way to the bathroom and finally the calming swirling noise signaled it was over. And that's when I realized I respected the hell out of that tiny little guy. He fought tough and didn't back down. And while we stand for different things I can't help but think that Jeff Daniels' propaganda had somehow led us both down this ugly ugly road that led only to certain death for one of us. Luckily for me, my day has not come but I fought a worthy opponent tonight and hopefully soon we can come to terms that we are not all that different. That at heart, we are both the same, flailing our many appendages in the air and singing "Baby, Baby, Baby, ohhhhh Baby..."

Sharp Scooters, Don't Touch

Oh hey there, just here for my 6 month check in, and no I did not floss......or did I. Hahahaha nah, I didn't. Anyways everyone keeps bothering me to blog more. OK fine one person does but she says it quite often. OK fine, she said it once but you could imagine if she said it more often.
So I haven't shaved for two weeks. I'm pretty sure that is the longest I have ever gone without shaving in my entire life. Well except for the first 21 years of my life. Yep, never saw a razor until I had my first beer....jk jk I saw my Dad use one once. But I didn't really know what it was used for. In fact I remember packing for my mission and reading the things to bring and it said to bring a razor. I read it twice just to make sure. I was surprised the wanted me to take that, but hey I do what I'm told. So as I was putting my razor scooter into my luggage my Mom asked me why I was taking that. And I told I wasn't sure but I was guessing that maybe you could choose either a scooter or a bike. Or maybe it was like a back up so if your bike got stolen or maybe just for a nice change of pace. You know too far to walk there but too close to bike. That's when she explained to me what they meant and the had my Dad show me how to shave. Boy was my face red. Not only cause I was embarrassed about the whole scooter thing but also the razor burn. Worst day of my life.
Anyways back to me not shaving for two weeks. I was really hoping that this thing would turn into a nice beard so I could finally live out the dream that Zach had where I had a full beard and I was an umpire in a MLB baseball game and would dance when I called balls or strikes. But I don't think its going to happen. Maybe I could just get it long enough to do like a comb over....too gross? I mean I'm still getting hit on by single moms so it can't be that nasty yet. I can grow a mean mustache but that's about it. And every day I mustache myself if I should shave or not. So I guess if this was a football injury report my facial hair would be listed as day to day.......
Also if I shaved it into just a mustache I would wear some thick black rimmed glasses. I already have the big nose so it would look like those cheap disguise things you buy. Man that would be awesome! I could walk around and no one would know who I was.

Hooked on a feeling

What do robots do?
What do women do too much of?
What scares me more than zombies taking over the world?
Easy, and no its not Charlie Sheen. One of my biggest fears is that we will build these cool robots and then they will take over the world. It gives me the Kelsey Grammars just thinking about it. But I've never been able to put my finger on why it scared me so much. That was until the other day when one of my friends said to me "Tomas, tu sabes ninas mayores de analizar las cosas" Vickie, You know I don't speak Spanish. So I went home and found a translator(still not sure what Wayne Bass was doing there but oh well.) So it turns out she said, "Thomas, you know girls over analyze things." And that's when it hit me, Robots analyze everything, that's just what they do. But they do it logically. And they are strong. But they don't have emotion. But girls have emotion, and lots of it. So what would happen if somehow these robots got the emotion of a female. I'll tell you what! Mother effin Armageddon that's what! We would be powerless to stop them! They would know that when we say that the game only has 15 minutes left it actually means about an hour. And that we could no longer be able to create a diversion by saying "their robotic butts looked good in those jeans" or "did you change the color of your circuiting?" And not to mention the strength they would have, we could no longer wrestle the remote out of their hands if they tried to turn on The Bachelor or Jersey Shore.
So scientists, I make this desperate plea.....Please don't give robots feelings! Please for the love of all that is good and holy don't give them feelings!

The Candy Nazi

You know those candy machines that spin. A lot of businesses have them as you walk in. The ones where you put a quarter in and get like 3 peanuts, a half of a crushed M&M, or no Mike, just Ike. Ya those ones. What is this? Nazi Germany? Oh the irony if we are rationing Good and Plenty's now. We would have to change the name to Good and That's enough.
Anyways the only thing more perplexing than this is why people continue to get duped by this infernal machine. Seriously there is a lady here at work that everyday I hear her go up, put her money in. Turn the dial and then go, OH COME ON! NOT AGAIN! Its rather entertaining. I'm not sure why she hasn't figured it out yet but as the old saying goes fool me once shame on me, fool me twice better grab some popcorn cause this is going to be entertaining. Oh crap, gotta go. I hear her digging through her change.

Air Bud

I have been sleeping on an air mattress for the past 19 months. Why you ask? Well here is a list of the reasons why:

PROS:

• THE most comfortable bed I have had since the womb.
• It literally feels like you are sleeping on air.
• You sleep with ease knowing if there is a flood you will be able to float on safely without even having to wake up.
• Moving is way too easy, What? I have to move, ya one second, psssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst done.
• When you use the pump to add a bit more air for firmness it sounds like you are vacuuming your room and then you roommates think to themselves "wow, Thome keeps a real tight ship in there." suckers.
• can be easily thrown at intruders, this act wont cause any harm to them but it should cause confusion, cause come on, who throws a bed now a days.
• has the possibility to be filled with Hawaiian punch for a real thirst quenching sleep.

CONS:

• A catastrophic air failure at 5 a.m. that results with you waking up on the floor and having to relocate to the couch really blows....literally.

So as you can see, the pros defiantly out weigh the cons. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go take a nap since I ended up on the couch last night.......

double not?

So I realized two things today. 1. I can't spell certain words. No matter how hard I try and I just can't. I can look it up and try and memorize how to spell it but the next time I have to it still comes out wrong.

The second thing is I can not for the life of me tie my right shoe and keep it tied for more than 5 minutes. Tops. Left shoe, no problem. Right shoe, ya right. Why this is I have no idea. I'll tie it and a few step later its flopping around again. I am 26 years old and I still have to have my mommy tie my right shoe. It doesn't get any better than that. Seriously I tied it when I started writing this post and I just looked down and its untied. I didn't move! There has to be some sort of gremlin hiding around here that unties my shoes. I'm going to tie my shoe and walk around work staring at it just waiting for this little guy to try and untie it. Sure my co workers might laugh at me but they already do when I tell them that there is a monster that comes into my room at night and wrinkles all my work shirts. And that's why they are so wrinkled when I get to work in the morning. They laugh, but its true.

70 degrees with a chance of......

So the last few days I have been a little under the weather. And after having a couple people say that to me and using the phrase myself a couple of times I have wondered what it means? Well it means you are sick but how did it come to mean that? Technically we are always under the weather. Rain falls, snow falls, the sun beats down, all hail breaks loose and well then falls down. So I'm thinking we need to tweak the saying just a little bit, not much. Example: person 1 "hey how are you today?" person 2" hmm not that well, I AM the weather." person 1 "oh....okay." Person 1 would then say to person 3 "hey did you hear that, that guy over there thinks he IS the weather! is that guy sick or what?" Person 3 would have no choice but to agree seeing as anyone who would think that they are the weather would have to be considered sick. So this would get the point across.

Why I am still single.

I have figured out why I am still single. Its cause I would rather try a do something funny as opposed to put in an effort in dating. Here is an example:
I want to be on a date and then during the date I want a person to drive up and get out and start dragging me towards the car and throw me in the trunk. Then speed off. Then not see or talk to her for three to four days and then show up at her house with my clothes all torn and express my deep regret for not calling her sooner because I was a little "tied up"
As you could imagine a second date probably wouldn't happen but I would be fine with this cause it would be sooooo funny. And I'm sure the cops would have a chuckle or two over it as well. And really isn't that what its all about. Bringing joy into the hearts of cops everywhere. And that's another single day in the life of Thome!

Staples? Ya we got that!

You ever do something that is really random and end up immediately regretting it? No I'm not talking about Brenda from 4C. I'm talking about reaching for a box of staples even though you don't need said staples and as soon as you touch the box it explodes. Sending 5000 staples in every direction. Injuring the orphan kids standing near by that had stopped by to see the inner workings of a car dealership(poor Frankie the farter will probably need a new nickname after being, well stapled shut.) Well that's just what happened to me. I swear. Well all of it except for the orphan kids. Luckily they had left 5 minutes before the staple carnage. But all of this could have been avoided if I just hadn't opened that drawer and thought "OHHHH STAPLES! JACKPOT!" Well if you would excuse me I am going to go straighten out all these staples in my body and go do my best porcupine impression. And by that I mean slowly wandering out into traffic and hoping I make it to the other side. Wish me luck!

The stick of chap

Well the end of the road is coming to a long standing partner of mine....my trusty ol chap stick. I have had this same stick for around 2 years or so. I would have to say its the longest relationship that my lips have ever been in. Honestly I have no idea how I have kept it so long. It seems that usually I buy one and have lost it by time I get out of the store. I would have to buy a 3 pack just to make sure I could at least apply it to my lips just once. I am convinced that a black hole existed in my left pocket from 1999 to 2006. As soon as anything went into that pocket it was lost forever. I lived in constant fear of putting things in that pocket. One time I almost put a small child that I was asked to hold in there. Luckily I remembered and was able to spin him like a basketball on the end of my finger while I finished my ice cream. Tragedy was adverted AND I even beat the Washington generals.
But alas I can see the end of the chap stick and it makes me kinda sad. We have been through a lot together. And I'm sure if it could talk it would freak me the hell out (cause when was the last time you saw a talking chap stick) but I am sure it could tell some good stories. But here's to you good buddy. You've kept my lips chapless and my chaps assless.
And that was another day in the life of Thome.....

Russell Counting Crows.

So as I sit here watching Gladiator on my new 46" Sony bravia television(which by the way Peyton Manning and Justin Timberlake are right, watching sports on a Sony television not only looks better, but make you better at sports.) I came to the realization that movies have the gift of tongues. Now by no means do I mean this in a sacrilegious way but its the only way that movies make sense. Take Gladiator for example, its set in ancient Rome. They did not speak English then but I can understand every word they say. But how? Gift of tongues. Amen.

And this quote goes out to Zach and Quinn...."Let the maggots cleanse your wounds Spaniard"

Hey Dude, your phones ringing

So seeing that it is indeed new years eve I have heard the phrase "ringing in the new year" several times already. What does that mean? Seriously. Are we talking like ringing like a bell? I mean maybe in the olden days that's how they celebrated the new year by ringing bells. But even if I was living back then and that's all we did was ring bells for new years and somebody came up and said "Thomas old chum, how might thee be ringing in the new year?" I would have to look at him and say with a bell you moron. How else would I "ring" in the new year? With party streamers and noise makers? Come on! So that can't be it, plus its not like I ever heard anyone in elementary school ask how I was "ringing" in recess. And that bell ringing is how we knew it was recess. Trust me that bell was a bell of celebration.
But at last it is not the olden days. I think we need to put a modern spin on things. Maybe change it to how are you texting in the new year? you know, phones ring but no one calls anymore they text. That could work. Or and this one will take some work to make it happen but maybe how are you hanginover the new year? Maybe instead of words we can just make a noise. Like how are you (insert your best attempt to make one of those party noise makers noise here) the new year?
There are a lot possibilities out there but I really think this whole ringing thing has to stop. Its giving me a headache. What are some of your ideas for a new saying?

Doogie Howser M.D.

I am Tom.....some side effects may include:

• uncontrollable spasms of the diaphragm(laughing)


• dizziness


• redness of the face


• weakened joints particularly the knees


• cancer


• expensive gifts


• general soreness of the joints


• jealousy


• toys, particularly in the motorcycle and snowmobile areas


• constant courtesy laughing


• embarrassment


• death


• inappropriate jokes


• an overabundance of text messaging


• carpel tunnel


• having to eat every two hours


• a fear of clowns


• cold leather seats
• being around for more than 4 hours


• frustration


• sports center


• jury duty


• a quick dubbya in air hockey


• a definite knowledge of who Tom Brady is and what he stands for


• nervousness


• giddiness

So consult a doctor before using.

Some ice cubes, a 9 iron and a Tiger Woods

As many of you know I am not a fan of the athlete Tiger Woods. Now I am a fan of the golfer Tiger Woods but this is not what I want to discuss right now. What I realized today is that Tiger is only a victim of two things. Taking things too literally and doing what he was told. How so you ask? Well its simple. Someone, most likely his wife or Shooter McGavin told him to "Go get em Tiger." Now we know that this is just a form of encouragement, as into to go out and do your best. Show them what you are made of type of stuff. Well Tiger went out and got them....literally. So really our bad Tiger, we should have known better than to do this to you. So general public, next time you congratulate Tiger Woods just pat him on the back or something. Maybe keep the subject on golf, tell him that the green slopes slightly to the left. Or remind him that its all in the hips, all in the hips.....uh never mind, just stick with the pat on the ol back.

So we meet again Mr. Bond...SILENCE OCTOPUSSY!

Okay so I haven't blogged in a long time and several people have been telling me to start blogging again. Okay mainly just Shannee when she called last night at 1:30 but hey, I listen.
But anyways I've been meaning to blog lately but alas, I have not. Its due mostly to my laziness, if only I could just have someone write down my ideas while I say them it we would be in business.
Anyways its Thanksgiving. So you know what that means. Tons of good food(literally, the turkey today weighed 2,000 lbs. no joke. it had to be some kind of record.) Tons of football(literally, Tony Romo has put on a lot of weight) and of course James Bond movies. I love James Bond movies. And what guy wouldn't want to be James Bond. This guy has all the girls, guns, and cars that any guy could want. Plus he always delivers the witty one liners at the appropriate times. But there is one aspect of his life that I would not want, and that's the fact that he can't go anywhere with out someone trying to kill him. Seriously, every time he gets on a train he opens the closet and there is some villain hiding in the closet for him. Do you have any idea how annoying that would be? It would be like a telemarketer calling you and every time you answer it they try and kill you by wrapping the cord around your neck, then you struggle for a few minutes while the extremely attractive girl that you are with watches in horror but then right when it looks like you are done for, you pry the cord off and throw the phone in the garbage disposal...then immediately after you turn to her and say "it appears they dialed the wrong number" and adjust your tie.
You know after writing all this, it seems like I have more in common with James Bond than I originally thought. Girls, guns, cars, witty one liners and killer telemarketers. Go figure.

I'm so sick of the hobo's.....

My friends, I am lucky to be here today. Why am I lucky to be here today? Well I'm glad to say its because I got lucky last night.

I had a close encounter of THE HOBO KIND. Let me tell you of it. So there I was, all naked and half scared. Sitting on the couch at the vegbos house, just chillin. We were in the middle of a very gripping movie, Air Bud, number 8 i believe. As I was watching something on the floor caught my attention. I looked over to see what it was, but there wasn't anything there. As I started to look away I saw movement again. That's when I saw the hobo! He....was....HUGE! At my estimate he had to of been at least 239 lbs. He had been lying still so I wouldn't see him.

"HEY!" I said "what are you doing in here, we're watching air bud!"

"ahjfbdaj&68bfa9fy8fbaCHANGEjfkdasopfda" said Tim the hobo.

"huh?" I responded

"change, give me your change!" grumbled Tim

"Listen here Obama, you have some audacity to come in here and hope we will give you change!"

Well since he was a republican hobo this last comment really got his knapp sack in a twist. He pulled out a crudely fashioned knife made from another knife that he had found and crudely fashioned into his current knife. This caused Ford and Harper to jump on the back of the couch and scream uncontrollably(we all know how Ford feels about hobo's) Knowing this could get out of hand real quick I decided I had to leap into action. Everybody knows the only way to kill a hobo is by stepping on them real hard, usually while they are distracted or trying to escape. So as I leaped into action or the air in this case I grabbed 23 cents out of my pocket and threw on the ground. Tim took the bait and while he was counting the change I landed right on his back, smashing him. A hobo knife fight had been adverted with some quick thinking and some good hang time. We quickly dumped the body in the bushes and then got back to watching the end of Air Bud. Just another life in the day of Thome.

RUDY! RUDY! RUDY! RUDY!

This morning I woke up thinking about fantasy football. Thats it.

A 5 drawer roomate.

so I realized it is too damn hot in my apartment for a penguin. So while I sit here in my underwear I would like to go over somethings that have been on my mind.
1. The phrase "take it back" after someone says something mean to you. Does it really make a difference if they say take it back? Do you automatically feel like it never happened? Yes, yes you do. That's why I think that we should institute a "take it back" in everything. For example, a cop pulls you over and gives you a ticket, you say "take it back" to which he replies, oh sorry, i didn't mean it, i take it back. boom no ticket. A girl breaks up with you saying that you "have no direction" or that your "feet smell horrible" or that she wishes "you would get up off the couch and stop playing that damn video game and appreciate me for once" you say take it back and bam you get back to that crucial 3rd and long play on madden.
2. Why I am an idiot. This one could take all night folks but I will try and keep it short. I'm an idiot.
3. Why there is that picture of the half naked little black boy displayed proudly on a local main street business. I get the Kelsey Grammars just thinking about it. I'm pretty sure there are laws against that type of thing.
4. I heard of another bear attack and I just can't stress bear safety enough people. I mean come on I devoted a whole blog about it a month or so ago. Seriously, If you aren't careful you could be that czech in the mail.
5. Zach got a new desk today, this is huge. You should see this thing, I think its made out of solid mahogany. Back in the olden days a man was measured on the number of drawers in his desk and let me tell you what, it looks like Zach is doing mighty fine for himself. A 5 drawer desk is hard to come by in upper Thai-land.
6. The hobo spiders at work are too smart for the glue traps I have set out. But they are not to smart for the bottom of my shoe. That'll teach you to hide under the glue trap that I set out there with the sole purpose of you getting stuck to!(please shake fist while reading last sentence)

I'll steal your honey like I stole your bike

I have written a song. Please don't judge me as this is my first attempt but I figure at some point I have to follow the trend and jump from being a simple blogger to an award winning Grammy artist. So here it goes:

Love You Long Time had a bunch of hits
Craigos makes me sick
And I think its fly when girls stop by for the 7 week break, for the break.
I like girls that wear American Apparel
I'd take her to the cocoa bean if I had one wish
but she'll be here for the break
for the break.

What do you think? I know its just the chorus but I think I might be on to something. Now I just need a good beat, maybe I can rip off an LFO song......