Staples? Ya we got that!

You ever do something that is really random and end up immediately regretting it? No I'm not talking about Brenda from 4C. I'm talking about reaching for a box of staples even though you don't need said staples and as soon as you touch the box it explodes. Sending 5000 staples in every direction. Injuring the orphan kids standing near by that had stopped by to see the inner workings of a car dealership(poor Frankie the farter will probably need a new nickname after being, well stapled shut.) Well that's just what happened to me. I swear. Well all of it except for the orphan kids. Luckily they had left 5 minutes before the staple carnage. But all of this could have been avoided if I just hadn't opened that drawer and thought "OHHHH STAPLES! JACKPOT!" Well if you would excuse me I am going to go straighten out all these staples in my body and go do my best porcupine impression. And by that I mean slowly wandering out into traffic and hoping I make it to the other side. Wish me luck!

The stick of chap

Well the end of the road is coming to a long standing partner of mine....my trusty ol chap stick. I have had this same stick for around 2 years or so. I would have to say its the longest relationship that my lips have ever been in. Honestly I have no idea how I have kept it so long. It seems that usually I buy one and have lost it by time I get out of the store. I would have to buy a 3 pack just to make sure I could at least apply it to my lips just once. I am convinced that a black hole existed in my left pocket from 1999 to 2006. As soon as anything went into that pocket it was lost forever. I lived in constant fear of putting things in that pocket. One time I almost put a small child that I was asked to hold in there. Luckily I remembered and was able to spin him like a basketball on the end of my finger while I finished my ice cream. Tragedy was adverted AND I even beat the Washington generals.
But alas I can see the end of the chap stick and it makes me kinda sad. We have been through a lot together. And I'm sure if it could talk it would freak me the hell out (cause when was the last time you saw a talking chap stick) but I am sure it could tell some good stories. But here's to you good buddy. You've kept my lips chapless and my chaps assless.
And that was another day in the life of Thome.....

Russell Counting Crows.

So as I sit here watching Gladiator on my new 46" Sony bravia television(which by the way Peyton Manning and Justin Timberlake are right, watching sports on a Sony television not only looks better, but make you better at sports.) I came to the realization that movies have the gift of tongues. Now by no means do I mean this in a sacrilegious way but its the only way that movies make sense. Take Gladiator for example, its set in ancient Rome. They did not speak English then but I can understand every word they say. But how? Gift of tongues. Amen.

And this quote goes out to Zach and Quinn...."Let the maggots cleanse your wounds Spaniard"

Hey Dude, your phones ringing

So seeing that it is indeed new years eve I have heard the phrase "ringing in the new year" several times already. What does that mean? Seriously. Are we talking like ringing like a bell? I mean maybe in the olden days that's how they celebrated the new year by ringing bells. But even if I was living back then and that's all we did was ring bells for new years and somebody came up and said "Thomas old chum, how might thee be ringing in the new year?" I would have to look at him and say with a bell you moron. How else would I "ring" in the new year? With party streamers and noise makers? Come on! So that can't be it, plus its not like I ever heard anyone in elementary school ask how I was "ringing" in recess. And that bell ringing is how we knew it was recess. Trust me that bell was a bell of celebration.
But at last it is not the olden days. I think we need to put a modern spin on things. Maybe change it to how are you texting in the new year? you know, phones ring but no one calls anymore they text. That could work. Or and this one will take some work to make it happen but maybe how are you hanginover the new year? Maybe instead of words we can just make a noise. Like how are you (insert your best attempt to make one of those party noise makers noise here) the new year?
There are a lot possibilities out there but I really think this whole ringing thing has to stop. Its giving me a headache. What are some of your ideas for a new saying?

Doogie Howser M.D.

I am Tom.....some side effects may include:

• uncontrollable spasms of the diaphragm(laughing)


• dizziness


• redness of the face


• weakened joints particularly the knees


• cancer


• expensive gifts


• general soreness of the joints


• jealousy


• toys, particularly in the motorcycle and snowmobile areas


• constant courtesy laughing


• embarrassment


• death


• inappropriate jokes


• an overabundance of text messaging


• carpel tunnel


• having to eat every two hours


• a fear of clowns


• cold leather seats
• being around for more than 4 hours


• frustration


• sports center


• jury duty


• a quick dubbya in air hockey


• a definite knowledge of who Tom Brady is and what he stands for


• nervousness


• giddiness

So consult a doctor before using.

Some ice cubes, a 9 iron and a Tiger Woods

As many of you know I am not a fan of the athlete Tiger Woods. Now I am a fan of the golfer Tiger Woods but this is not what I want to discuss right now. What I realized today is that Tiger is only a victim of two things. Taking things too literally and doing what he was told. How so you ask? Well its simple. Someone, most likely his wife or Shooter McGavin told him to "Go get em Tiger." Now we know that this is just a form of encouragement, as into to go out and do your best. Show them what you are made of type of stuff. Well Tiger went out and got them....literally. So really our bad Tiger, we should have known better than to do this to you. So general public, next time you congratulate Tiger Woods just pat him on the back or something. Maybe keep the subject on golf, tell him that the green slopes slightly to the left. Or remind him that its all in the hips, all in the hips.....uh never mind, just stick with the pat on the ol back.

So we meet again Mr. Bond...SILENCE OCTOPUSSY!

Okay so I haven't blogged in a long time and several people have been telling me to start blogging again. Okay mainly just Shannee when she called last night at 1:30 but hey, I listen.
But anyways I've been meaning to blog lately but alas, I have not. Its due mostly to my laziness, if only I could just have someone write down my ideas while I say them it we would be in business.
Anyways its Thanksgiving. So you know what that means. Tons of good food(literally, the turkey today weighed 2,000 lbs. no joke. it had to be some kind of record.) Tons of football(literally, Tony Romo has put on a lot of weight) and of course James Bond movies. I love James Bond movies. And what guy wouldn't want to be James Bond. This guy has all the girls, guns, and cars that any guy could want. Plus he always delivers the witty one liners at the appropriate times. But there is one aspect of his life that I would not want, and that's the fact that he can't go anywhere with out someone trying to kill him. Seriously, every time he gets on a train he opens the closet and there is some villain hiding in the closet for him. Do you have any idea how annoying that would be? It would be like a telemarketer calling you and every time you answer it they try and kill you by wrapping the cord around your neck, then you struggle for a few minutes while the extremely attractive girl that you are with watches in horror but then right when it looks like you are done for, you pry the cord off and throw the phone in the garbage disposal...then immediately after you turn to her and say "it appears they dialed the wrong number" and adjust your tie.
You know after writing all this, it seems like I have more in common with James Bond than I originally thought. Girls, guns, cars, witty one liners and killer telemarketers. Go figure.