The Candy Nazi

You know those candy machines that spin. A lot of businesses have them as you walk in. The ones where you put a quarter in and get like 3 peanuts, a half of a crushed M&M, or no Mike, just Ike. Ya those ones. What is this? Nazi Germany? Oh the irony if we are rationing Good and Plenty's now. We would have to change the name to Good and That's enough.
Anyways the only thing more perplexing than this is why people continue to get duped by this infernal machine. Seriously there is a lady here at work that everyday I hear her go up, put her money in. Turn the dial and then go, OH COME ON! NOT AGAIN! Its rather entertaining. I'm not sure why she hasn't figured it out yet but as the old saying goes fool me once shame on me, fool me twice better grab some popcorn cause this is going to be entertaining. Oh crap, gotta go. I hear her digging through her change.

Air Bud

I have been sleeping on an air mattress for the past 19 months. Why you ask? Well here is a list of the reasons why:

PROS:

• THE most comfortable bed I have had since the womb.
• It literally feels like you are sleeping on air.
• You sleep with ease knowing if there is a flood you will be able to float on safely without even having to wake up.
• Moving is way too easy, What? I have to move, ya one second, psssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst done.
• When you use the pump to add a bit more air for firmness it sounds like you are vacuuming your room and then you roommates think to themselves "wow, Thome keeps a real tight ship in there." suckers.
• can be easily thrown at intruders, this act wont cause any harm to them but it should cause confusion, cause come on, who throws a bed now a days.
• has the possibility to be filled with Hawaiian punch for a real thirst quenching sleep.

CONS:

• A catastrophic air failure at 5 a.m. that results with you waking up on the floor and having to relocate to the couch really blows....literally.

So as you can see, the pros defiantly out weigh the cons. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go take a nap since I ended up on the couch last night.......

double not?

So I realized two things today. 1. I can't spell certain words. No matter how hard I try and I just can't. I can look it up and try and memorize how to spell it but the next time I have to it still comes out wrong.

The second thing is I can not for the life of me tie my right shoe and keep it tied for more than 5 minutes. Tops. Left shoe, no problem. Right shoe, ya right. Why this is I have no idea. I'll tie it and a few step later its flopping around again. I am 26 years old and I still have to have my mommy tie my right shoe. It doesn't get any better than that. Seriously I tied it when I started writing this post and I just looked down and its untied. I didn't move! There has to be some sort of gremlin hiding around here that unties my shoes. I'm going to tie my shoe and walk around work staring at it just waiting for this little guy to try and untie it. Sure my co workers might laugh at me but they already do when I tell them that there is a monster that comes into my room at night and wrinkles all my work shirts. And that's why they are so wrinkled when I get to work in the morning. They laugh, but its true.

70 degrees with a chance of......

So the last few days I have been a little under the weather. And after having a couple people say that to me and using the phrase myself a couple of times I have wondered what it means? Well it means you are sick but how did it come to mean that? Technically we are always under the weather. Rain falls, snow falls, the sun beats down, all hail breaks loose and well then falls down. So I'm thinking we need to tweak the saying just a little bit, not much. Example: person 1 "hey how are you today?" person 2" hmm not that well, I AM the weather." person 1 "oh....okay." Person 1 would then say to person 3 "hey did you hear that, that guy over there thinks he IS the weather! is that guy sick or what?" Person 3 would have no choice but to agree seeing as anyone who would think that they are the weather would have to be considered sick. So this would get the point across.

Why I am still single.

I have figured out why I am still single. Its cause I would rather try a do something funny as opposed to put in an effort in dating. Here is an example:
I want to be on a date and then during the date I want a person to drive up and get out and start dragging me towards the car and throw me in the trunk. Then speed off. Then not see or talk to her for three to four days and then show up at her house with my clothes all torn and express my deep regret for not calling her sooner because I was a little "tied up"
As you could imagine a second date probably wouldn't happen but I would be fine with this cause it would be sooooo funny. And I'm sure the cops would have a chuckle or two over it as well. And really isn't that what its all about. Bringing joy into the hearts of cops everywhere. And that's another single day in the life of Thome!

Staples? Ya we got that!

You ever do something that is really random and end up immediately regretting it? No I'm not talking about Brenda from 4C. I'm talking about reaching for a box of staples even though you don't need said staples and as soon as you touch the box it explodes. Sending 5000 staples in every direction. Injuring the orphan kids standing near by that had stopped by to see the inner workings of a car dealership(poor Frankie the farter will probably need a new nickname after being, well stapled shut.) Well that's just what happened to me. I swear. Well all of it except for the orphan kids. Luckily they had left 5 minutes before the staple carnage. But all of this could have been avoided if I just hadn't opened that drawer and thought "OHHHH STAPLES! JACKPOT!" Well if you would excuse me I am going to go straighten out all these staples in my body and go do my best porcupine impression. And by that I mean slowly wandering out into traffic and hoping I make it to the other side. Wish me luck!

The stick of chap

Well the end of the road is coming to a long standing partner of mine....my trusty ol chap stick. I have had this same stick for around 2 years or so. I would have to say its the longest relationship that my lips have ever been in. Honestly I have no idea how I have kept it so long. It seems that usually I buy one and have lost it by time I get out of the store. I would have to buy a 3 pack just to make sure I could at least apply it to my lips just once. I am convinced that a black hole existed in my left pocket from 1999 to 2006. As soon as anything went into that pocket it was lost forever. I lived in constant fear of putting things in that pocket. One time I almost put a small child that I was asked to hold in there. Luckily I remembered and was able to spin him like a basketball on the end of my finger while I finished my ice cream. Tragedy was adverted AND I even beat the Washington generals.
But alas I can see the end of the chap stick and it makes me kinda sad. We have been through a lot together. And I'm sure if it could talk it would freak me the hell out (cause when was the last time you saw a talking chap stick) but I am sure it could tell some good stories. But here's to you good buddy. You've kept my lips chapless and my chaps assless.
And that was another day in the life of Thome.....

Russell Counting Crows.

So as I sit here watching Gladiator on my new 46" Sony bravia television(which by the way Peyton Manning and Justin Timberlake are right, watching sports on a Sony television not only looks better, but make you better at sports.) I came to the realization that movies have the gift of tongues. Now by no means do I mean this in a sacrilegious way but its the only way that movies make sense. Take Gladiator for example, its set in ancient Rome. They did not speak English then but I can understand every word they say. But how? Gift of tongues. Amen.

And this quote goes out to Zach and Quinn...."Let the maggots cleanse your wounds Spaniard"