Thursday, December 31, 2009

Hey Dude, your phones ringing

So seeing that it is indeed new years eve I have heard the phrase "ringing in the new year" several times already. What does that mean? Seriously. Are we talking like ringing like a bell? I mean maybe in the olden days that's how they celebrated the new year by ringing bells. But even if I was living back then and that's all we did was ring bells for new years and somebody came up and said "Thomas old chum, how might thee be ringing in the new year?" I would have to look at him and say with a bell you moron. How else would I "ring" in the new year? With party streamers and noise makers? Come on! So that can't be it, plus its not like I ever heard anyone in elementary school ask how I was "ringing" in recess. And that bell ringing is how we knew it was recess. Trust me that bell was a bell of celebration.
But at last it is not the olden days. I think we need to put a modern spin on things. Maybe change it to how are you texting in the new year? you know, phones ring but no one calls anymore they text. That could work. Or and this one will take some work to make it happen but maybe how are you hanginover the new year? Maybe instead of words we can just make a noise. Like how are you (insert your best attempt to make one of those party noise makers noise here) the new year?
There are a lot possibilities out there but I really think this whole ringing thing has to stop. Its giving me a headache. What are some of your ideas for a new saying?

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Doogie Howser M.D.

I am Tom.....some side effects may include:

  • uncontrollable spasms of the diaphragm(laughing)

  • dizziness

  • redness of the face

  • weakened joints particularly the knees

  • cancer

  • expensive gifts

  • general soreness of the joints

  • jealousy

  • toys, particularly in the motorcycle and snowmobile areas

  • constant courtesy laughing

  • embarrassment

  • death

  • inappropriate jokes

  • an overabundance of text messaging

  • carpel tunnel

  • having to eat every two hours

  • a fear of clowns

  • cold leather seats
  • being around for more than 4 hours

  • frustration

  • sports center

  • jury duty

  • a quick dubbya in air hockey

  • a definite knowledge of who Tom Brady is and what he stands for

  • nervousness

  • giddiness

So consult a doctor before using.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Some ice cubes, a 9 iron and a Tiger Woods

As many of you know I am not a fan of the athlete Tiger Woods. Now I am a fan of the golfer Tiger Woods but this is not what I want to discuss right now. What I realized today is that Tiger is only a victim of two things. Taking things too literally and doing what he was told. How so you ask? Well its simple. Someone, most likely his wife or Shooter McGavin told him to "Go get em Tiger." Now we know that this is just a form of encouragement, as into to go out and do your best. Show them what you are made of type of stuff. Well Tiger went out and got them....literally. So really our bad Tiger, we should have known better than to do this to you. So general public, next time you congratulate Tiger Woods just pat him on the back or something. Maybe keep the subject on golf, tell him that the green slopes slightly to the left. Or remind him that its all in the hips, all in the hips.....uh never mind, just stick with the pat on the ol back.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

So we meet again Mr. Bond...SILENCE OCTOPUSSY!

Okay so I haven't blogged in a long time and several people have been telling me to start blogging again. Okay mainly just Shannee when she called last night at 1:30 but hey, I listen.
But anyways I've been meaning to blog lately but alas, I have not. Its due mostly to my laziness, if only I could just have someone write down my ideas while I say them it we would be in business.
Anyways its Thanksgiving. So you know what that means. Tons of good food(literally, the turkey today weighed 2,000 lbs. no joke. it had to be some kind of record.) Tons of football(literally, Tony Romo has put on a lot of weight) and of course James Bond movies. I love James Bond movies. And what guy wouldn't want to be James Bond. This guy has all the girls, guns, and cars that any guy could want. Plus he always delivers the witty one liners at the appropriate times. But there is one aspect of his life that I would not want, and that's the fact that he can't go anywhere with out someone trying to kill him. Seriously, every time he gets on a train he opens the closet and there is some villain hiding in the closet for him. Do you have any idea how annoying that would be? It would be like a telemarketer calling you and every time you answer it they try and kill you by wrapping the cord around your neck, then you struggle for a few minutes while the extremely attractive girl that you are with watches in horror but then right when it looks like you are done for, you pry the cord off and throw the phone in the garbage disposal...then immediately after you turn to her and say "it appears they dialed the wrong number" and adjust your tie.
You know after writing all this, it seems like I have more in common with James Bond than I originally thought. Girls, guns, cars, witty one liners and killer telemarketers. Go figure.

Friday, August 21, 2009

I'm so sick of the hobo's.....

My friends, I am lucky to be here today. Why am I lucky to be here today? Well I'm glad to say its because I got lucky last night.

I had a close encounter of THE HOBO KIND. Let me tell you of it. So there I was, all naked and half scared. Sitting on the couch at the vegbos house, just chillin. We were in the middle of a very gripping movie, Air Bud, number 8 i believe. As I was watching something on the floor caught my attention. I looked over to see what it was, but there wasn't anything there. As I started to look away I saw movement again. That's when I saw the hobo! He....was....HUGE! At my estimate he had to of been at least 239 lbs. He had been lying still so I wouldn't see him.

"HEY!" I said "what are you doing in here, we're watching air bud!"

"ahjfbdaj&68bfa9fy8fbaCHANGEjfkdasopfda" said Tim the hobo.

"huh?" I responded

"change, give me your change!" grumbled Tim

"Listen here Obama, you have some audacity to come in here and hope we will give you change!"

Well since he was a republican hobo this last comment really got his knapp sack in a twist. He pulled out a crudely fashioned knife made from another knife that he had found and crudely fashioned into his current knife. This caused Ford and Harper to jump on the back of the couch and scream uncontrollably(we all know how Ford feels about hobo's) Knowing this could get out of hand real quick I decided I had to leap into action. Everybody knows the only way to kill a hobo is by stepping on them real hard, usually while they are distracted or trying to escape. So as I leaped into action or the air in this case I grabbed 23 cents out of my pocket and threw on the ground. Tim took the bait and while he was counting the change I landed right on his back, smashing him. A hobo knife fight had been adverted with some quick thinking and some good hang time. We quickly dumped the body in the bushes and then got back to watching the end of Air Bud. Just another life in the day of Thome.

Saturday, August 8, 2009


This morning I woke up thinking about fantasy football. Thats it.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

A 5 drawer roomate.

so I realized it is too damn hot in my apartment for a penguin. So while I sit here in my underwear I would like to go over somethings that have been on my mind.
1. The phrase "take it back" after someone says something mean to you. Does it really make a difference if they say take it back? Do you automatically feel like it never happened? Yes, yes you do. That's why I think that we should institute a "take it back" in everything. For example, a cop pulls you over and gives you a ticket, you say "take it back" to which he replies, oh sorry, i didn't mean it, i take it back. boom no ticket. A girl breaks up with you saying that you "have no direction" or that your "feet smell horrible" or that she wishes "you would get up off the couch and stop playing that damn video game and appreciate me for once" you say take it back and bam you get back to that crucial 3rd and long play on madden.
2. Why I am an idiot. This one could take all night folks but I will try and keep it short. I'm an idiot.
3. Why there is that picture of the half naked little black boy displayed proudly on a local main street business. I get the Kelsey Grammars just thinking about it. I'm pretty sure there are laws against that type of thing.
4. I heard of another bear attack and I just can't stress bear safety enough people. I mean come on I devoted a whole blog about it a month or so ago. Seriously, If you aren't careful you could be that czech in the mail.
5. Zach got a new desk today, this is huge. You should see this thing, I think its made out of solid mahogany. Back in the olden days a man was measured on the number of drawers in his desk and let me tell you what, it looks like Zach is doing mighty fine for himself. A 5 drawer desk is hard to come by in upper Thai-land.
6. The hobo spiders at work are too smart for the glue traps I have set out. But they are not to smart for the bottom of my shoe. That'll teach you to hide under the glue trap that I set out there with the sole purpose of you getting stuck to!(please shake fist while reading last sentence)

Monday, July 27, 2009

I'll steal your honey like I stole your bike

I have written a song. Please don't judge me as this is my first attempt but I figure at some point I have to follow the trend and jump from being a simple blogger to an award winning Grammy artist. So here it goes:

Love You Long Time had a bunch of hits
Craigos makes me sick
And I think its fly when girls stop by for the 7 week break, for the break.
I like girls that wear American Apparel
I'd take her to the cocoa bean if I had one wish
but she'll be here for the break
for the break.

What do you think? I know its just the chorus but I think I might be on to something. Now I just need a good beat, maybe I can rip off an LFO song......

Thursday, July 23, 2009

T-minus 7 weeks

Do you smell that? That's the smell of football season being right around the corner. Or it could be that I haven't showered yet today but really they smell about the same anyways so what does it matter. Alot of you are thinking "ya 7 week break! OMG!" well you are wrong, its a 7 week count down until the first week of the season. And it defiantly isn't a break. Shoot, training camps open up next week, then you have preseason games, roster cuts and of course close ups of Tom Brady's knee. So please there is no need to cry for me Marge and Tina this 7 week break. For I will have football to be my constant companion. In fact I might not even know you were gone.............PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND DECENT, DON'T LEAVE ME! I HATE FOOTBALL! I SWEAR, IT DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING TO ME! PLEASE I'LL DO ANYTHING!
ahem, sorry about that my phone always picks up the neighbors calls and they are always fighting about something. Married people, what are you going to do? Can't live with them, can't live next to them.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Bat out of hell part IV

A wise dinner entree once said "I would do anything for love, but I won't do that" I've always wondered what that one thing was that he wouldn't do for love and it made me want to make a list of things I would and would not do. I figure Meatloaf and I have a lot in common so I'm sure that this list will be close to his.

1. Will do - Eat meatloaf. Even if her cooking is not that good I'm sure I have had worse, so why not down it in the name of love.

2 Won't do - Eat Meatloaf. That's cannibalism brotha! Not to mention its wrong in so many ways.

3 Will do/won't do - Walk 500 miles. This one is a toss up. First why are we walking 500 miles? Is it for charity? Are there no more cars? Are we doing one of those pioneer treks? Will there be treats? I would have to say walk 500 miles is a won't do. Drive 500 miles, totally down.

4. Will do - Watch a chick flick. I could do this one in my sleep. But seriously I have learned how to sleep with my eyes open so I would just sleep through the whole movie.
5. Will do - Go shopping. But there is a time limit on this. 2 hours tops! And I can't stress this enough, you must keep me well fed or else suffer the consequences.

6. Won't do - Write you a love song. Not even if you ask for one or if you need one. I just won't write you a love song.

7. Won't do - Anything during the game.... any game.

Actually this video pretty much sums it all up.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Bear Market

Well guys, I hate to do this but this is going to be another serious post. I know, I know that's not what you come here for but I just feel that this is an important topic. One that I need to bring up. Bear safety.
Bear safety? you ask. But why? Well because there is nothing worse than running into one of these godless killing machines in the backwoods. You might call this the summer season but I call it killing season. Every year these things maim and murder hundreds of innocent tax payers. Sure you can say that this doesn't effect you but let me relate this story and we'll see how you feel afterwards.
In the summer of 2003 two hikers from the Czech Republic were on vacation here in the states. They were backpacking in Yellowstone National Park having the time of their lives. Until disaster struck. They bumped into a bear and it took more than their pic-i-nic basket if you know what I mean. One hiker was able to escape but the other wasn't so lucky. The escapee made it to a rangers station and told them what had happened. The rangers were able to locate the bear and eliminated it. Afterward they recovered the remains of the other hiker from the bear. Distraught by all this the surviving hiker was lamenting about how to get his dear friend home for a proper burial. A ranger overhearing this whispered to the coroner "I feel so bad, what are we going to do?"." "Don't worry" said the coroner, "we have already taken care of it......the Czech is in the mail."

Monday, June 15, 2009

Illegal Blog Block in the Back, 15 yard penalty, First Down

I've had bloggers block for the last little while. What is that you ask? Well first of all I appreciate how you raised you hand and second its similar to writers block but totally different.
You see when you have bloggers block that's all you can think about. You try and do something to occupy your self to take you mind off of it. Doesn't work. Soon you are just wandering around. You go from one room to the other just hoping to find something. You know, something you might have dropped or that is stashed somewhere. You always have this empty feeling in your stomach and it tends to make a lot of loud whale like noises. Usually at very inopportune times, like church or a whale watching trip. You tend to be very cranky if you do not blog every couple of hours. People start to say "man what is wrong with Tom? Oh he hasn't blogged for a while, don't mind him" Wait, wait, never mind. This is how I feel when I am hungry. My bad
The truth is I am just lazy, and I have carpel tunnel. But I will try harder to blog more often. I just have a lot to live up to. I mean shoot, I gots readers across the pond. Its gone global, that's pressure.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

arrrgh matey

Went to a bar last night for kareoke. Met a real life pirate. He challenged me to sing Right Said Fred - I'm too sexy. Kept refering to Rob as "the cute one." Said he didn't know Captain Sparrow. Drunk Pirates are awesome!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


That's right, I said it. Don't think that I am not on to your little plan. Sure you look all innocent and stuff while you a lazily swimming and diving under water while several people stop riding their bikes to watch you "play." But they are too busy oohing and ahing to realize the "busy beaver" behind them stealing their wallets and slipping their kids candy effectively ruining their dinner. That's just wrong man, so wrong. Don't you have anything better to do with your life? You gotta strive for something. Look at the beavers back in the 80's when they had that evil plan to chew through all the power poles in the U.S. to force us to rely on all the damns they had built for our hydro-electric power. Sure it was evil and wrong but at least they had some ambition man. So don't waste your time with petty theft, come up with something big and really stick it to us.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Its not all good, and its not all bad

I don't really blog about serious stuff very.....well ever. But since as of this week I have moved past being funny and am now smart(according to Marion and Vickie) I will blog about something serious.

While I have been at work today I have spent most of the time on YouTube watching videos of The Eels. This includes a documentary about E's father who came up with the theory of parallel universes. You would imagine an hour long video about parallel universes and quantum mechanics would be boring but this thing blew me away. Not for those aforementioned things but watching this grown man learn more about his father that he never really got to know. It was quite touching if I can use that word and not sound too gay. This guy has been through so much, from finding his father dead at age 19(which I don't want to even imagine how horrible that would be) to his sisters suicide and his mothers death shortly after. He even had a cousin die during the Sept 11th attacks. Just one thing after another but through all that he seems to some how remain upbeat and continues on with his life. He says "All these deaths made me notice that I was still alive......I've been through a lot but I'm OK. And if I want to be I'm better than OK. I mean -- I survived. And I survived just by being me. How lucky and amazing is that?" There isn't much you can add to that. I'm not one that gets down on my self often but inevitably it will happen, and it usually occurs when I am not being true to my self. And everything goes back to normal when I am myself. Now I'm not saying that I put my self first and neglect everyone else cause that isn't me, just saying you got to do what it is that makes you, well you. This looks like it has helped E through some rough times so I think its not too bad of an idea to live by. I'm also not one to let my personal feelings out like this but since I figure that its only my closest friends that read this I'm fine with it. Just don't get used to it cause it won't happen again for a long time, I think its about on the same cycle as Haley's comet, once every 76 years or so.
On a related note I've noticed that the two bands that I listen most often lately are The Eels and The Beatles. Not coincidentally these two bands are ones that I have spent a lot of time recently learning a lot about their personal lives and the background of their music. This has happened in the past with the likes of Weezer and The Format. Music just is better to me when it comes on a more personal level I guess.
Anyways checkout this video. Its an Eels song put to clips from this documentary. Its really good. And I'll be back soon with something funny. I promise.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Lazy Scranton

Laziness (also called indolence) is a disinclination to activity or exertion despite having the ability to do so. This is bad, right? Wrong. Okay, calm down there Mom. I know that I won't get anywhere in life with that attitude......or will I?

So here is the deal, or the rundown as I like to put it, or the skinny as they sometimes say. We have all been told our whole lives that being lazy is bad. But I don't think that is entirely true. Its like having that one cookie an hour before dinner is really going to ruin our appeitite. Its a parental myth. Now don't get me wrong, some forms of laziness are bad(see Zach while beating DK II). But honestly I think laziness breeds ingenuity(its a real word katelyn and nadia, check it). How so you ask? Here are some examples: Alexander Graham Bell, this dude was was the epitome of lazy. He was like "ugh, I need to talk to ol' blacksmith Bill but I don't want to walk the 50 paces to get there, I wish there was a way I could him? Brilliant idea old chap!" Boom, telephone right there. Henry Ford, this guy was always complaining about "having to put all these parts on the car by my self, I just wish there were 50 of us standing in a line and we each put one part on over and over and over" Bam, assembly line. Oh, don't even get me started on Niel "I love to jump but earth's gravity is just way to strong for me to actually enjoy it" Armstrong. Ya, thats right, space flight came from that lazy A-hole.

So as you can see three of the biggest inventions/events in the last 150 years came from three really lazy people. They are remember by us for these contributions, but if you told any of their co-workers at the time they would have done these things they would have said "Who? That lazy bastard?" So don't be too quick to judge, that lazy person just might be working on the next great thing while sitting there doing nothing. And thats just another lazy and possible great life in the day of Thome.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Calender days

So we've all done it. And by it I mean read our horoscopes. It s a fun little paragraph that at end of reading it we all either say "hey, that describes me perfectly" or say "whoops, I just read the wrong month." While they are fun and all I think it should be taken a step further, and by a step further I mean add more letters to it to get your monthly HORRORSCOPE!

12/22 - 1/19: You decide to sit by a nice toasty fire and read a nice toasty book about toast. The perfect evening you think. It is, until a nice toasty ember sparks out of the fireplace and sets the living room on fire. Now you are having second thoughts about decking the halls with those flammable boughs of holly aren't you.
1/20 -2/18: Ah Febtober, the month of love. Don't you just wish it never had to end, well it won't this year since you are locked up in the county jail after your "girlfriend" convinced you to go streaking with her and that she would be "right behind" you. While you couldn't outrun the cops lets hope you can at least outrun your new friend Bubba.
2/19 - 3/20 March Madness, nope. More like Shear Madness, a play set in a unisex hair salon in Boston. The characters include a flamboyant hairdresser and his flirty yet ditsy assistant, along with a prim and proper uptight older lady and an older man who is a "used antique dealer." Gives me the Kelsey Grammars just thinking about it.
3/21 - 4/19: You go into work one morning and your boss calls you into his office and tells you that you're fired. As you sit there in shock you realize today is April 2nd, and since your boss likes practical jokes you figure he is just pulling an April fools joke a day late. After 45 minutes of you saying "hahahha nice one Chuck" while elbowing your boss in the ribs you are removed by security.
4/20 - 5/20: You've had the effin munchies for 2 weeks now and its not from the medicinal marijuana. I hate to break it to you like this're pregnant.
5/21 - 6/21 : You don't want to know the horrors of forgetting my birthday. Its May 26th you lousy friend, now go buy me a gift!
6/22 - 7/22: While lighting fireworks you somehow light your shorts on fire. Later, while lying in a hospital bed severely burned you think about how your friends not only forgot your birthday but also stood around saluting your shorts and singing "my country tis of thee" while you ran around wildly trying to extinguish your self. You need better friends.
7/23 - 8/22: After being released from the burn ward you decide to lay by the pool and relax. Safe enough right? Well you fall asleep for 6 hours and awake to the rest of you body being severely sunburned and then noticing that some one wrote "(insert name) SUX" in sunscreen. once again, you need better friends.
8/23 - 9/22: Fully recovered from all your burns you decide to head down the the county fair and have some good ol fashioned fun. You decide to get some cotton candy, while there the machine malfunctions and somehow you end up covered in cotton candy. You spend the rest of the day being chased by carnies. They are everywhere, with their little hands grabbing you and and the stench of cabbage overwhelming.
9/23 -10/22: The wonderful smell of fresh air, the birds singing as a gentle breeze slowly moves through the trees as gunshots ring out around you. This really is the perfect day to be outside in the woods except for that it is the first day of hunting season and you are playing your favorite childhood game called deer. You know the one where you spend the day dressed up as a deer. Lets just hope you don't end up like poor uncle mike. He shouldn't have jumped out at that hunter while playing bear.
10/23 - 11/21: While helping clean up after the local spook alley you notice they are just going to throw away the spaghetti they used as brains. You can't have that! After consuming all the brains you don't feel to good. I think that one is going to haunt you for several days.
11/22 - 12/21: After watching Jim Carrey do his version of the Grinch you think hey that's not a bad idea. Well it was. You get busted after the second house that you stole all the toys from and now you get to spend the holidays with your ol' pal Bubba.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Hot Shots Part Duex

Interactive Tuesday is back! um, on Monday though. Well today's poll is who is funnier? English Tom Widdison or American Tom Widdison. I will give you some examples from facebook. Please vote.
In this Corner, in the blue trunks, weighing in at 190 pounds, ENLGISH TOM WIDDISON!

Tom Widdison Is going to buy one of those big anvils made by ACME and wait at the top of a cliff to drop it on someones head
Tom Widdison Is fookin tired
Tom Widdison Take 2 bottles into the shower?? not me I use 1 and I've washed and gone!!!!
Tom Widdison Wishes the insulin boy would shut his fookin grid
Tom Widdison Had a dream last night that England were winning 2.0 with 80 mins on the clock but then the dream switched to fluffy poodles
Tom Widdison Will never get bored of laughing at cars driving with dogs sticking out the window...
Tom Widdison Is in bed with jon wilson fully clothed listening to stevie wonder
Tom Widdison Is wondering why the resident diabetic has the tv on so loud?
Tom Widdison Is in the bath Naked

And in the other corner, in the red trunks, weighing in at 150 pounds wet, the prince of pain, the ale of destruction, AMERICAN TOOOOOOM WIDDISON!
well, uh. you know...... um COME ON! Give me the benefit of the doubt, you know me! I'M FUNNY!

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

People watching.

People are funny. The end, but seriously. Look at Zach, some might think he is mean but hes a riot. He uses sarcasm the way it is supposed to be used, to make people think you hate them. Ford is the funniest person I know, hands down. Quinn is funny looking, I could go on but you get where I am going with this. People are just funny. Especially random people. Cause I'm sure that 90% of them don't mean to be but I find it funny. Here are a couple examples:
Example 1: This is a post I found on craigslist.
Motel 6 doesn't get ABC! Can you believe it? I've been here on business from Boise, and would love to watch lost with some fans-, well adjusted, non-scary fans, that is. My wife would be upset if I died trying to watch lost.
I can bring soda or green jello. Ok, soda.
Please email me if you want company. Jared
I think Jared here is in the 10% that means to be funny, and he is. I think I might email him and see if he wants to hang out.
Example 2: This guy isn't in the 10%. At work today I watched this guy examine and poke all the parts I have hanging on the wall in our pro shop. He would get real close and just tap it. Everything! It didn't matter if it was metal, rubber or our secretary. He was like he had just been thawed like Brenden Frasier from Encino Man and had no idea what all this stuff was.
Example 3: Our neighbors. They make this list only because we think we are funny. They have to think we are the weirdest people ever. Our door has a plastic rat hanging from it. We took a shirt, pants, and gloves and laid them out in front of their door as if it was a person lying there. We continually put our furbies in the hall. Every time we hear them opening their door we shut off our lights and look through the cracks of the door at them and shine a laser pointer at them. Last night as I was walking in the door started to open, me thinking it was Zach or Ford started pretending to sneak in but it was our neighbor. Sure I could have started acting normal or said hi but I continued to "sneak" the rest of the way in. And then there was when we left dog food and water out for the other neighbors dog, but that's a whole different story.
And that was another observation in a life in the day of Thome.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Fonzie scheme

A lot of people lately have been asking why I do what I do. Is it for the kids, they say. Or is it for the betterment of mankind, they ponder aloud. All I can do is sit there and chuckle to my self(ctms for all you texters out there) as they throw out all these scenarios for doing what I do, cause really I am just doing it to get the girls. duh.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Attack of the Clones.

I think Tom Brady had a bit of a setback today with his knee.( see a life in the day of Thome, post #4, Friday, October 17, 2008)

Saturday, March 21, 2009

An age old question

If I were a hot dog would I eat myself?

The answer is yes, yes I would.
Now I am off to forage for some food.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Mahana you ugly!

If you are a fan of the Beatles you are probably familiar with all the subliminal messages associated with their music. But I think I just stumbled across one and! In the song "Can't buy me love" I believe Paul and John were talking about overthrowing the free market based on hard currency. Ya, I know. HUGE.
A casual listener might listen to this song and think it is about how said songwriters are in love and are wishing to express said love. To the hopeless romantics out there the simple lyric of "money can't buy me love" almost shuts down their entire nervous system leaving them in a state of complete and utter uselessness prime for the "sweeping off their feet" move. But us heartless romantics out there know something just isn't right about this. Money can and will buy you love(see pinnacle, apx, golden climax and Billie Joel). So what are you up to Sir Paul?
As we look at the lyrics, Paul offers to buy her a diamond ring, IF that would make you feel alright. He then offers to get anything, IF that would make you feel alright. But then he changes his tone a bit, he says "I don't care too much for money, cause money can't buy me love" Now here is where he interjects his radical thinking of .......THE BARTER SYSTEM! He hits you with these two lines "I'll give you all I got to give if you say you love me too" and "I may not have a lot to give but what I got I'll give to you" before you know it you are standing there with 3 goats and a used ticket to the Ed Sullivan Show while Paul and Lennon ride off into the sunset with your love. Coincidence? I think not! If you play the song backwards during the line "I may not have a lot to give but what I got I'll give to you" you can distinctly here John saying "here, take these goats"
On a side note, I really like the idea of the barter system. I mean, it did work out for Johnny Lingo.
And that is another mystery solved in the Life in the day of Thome!

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Why I love sundays

I am copying Amy but its okay cause we are besties

Not hydroplaning off the road on the way to church.
Sacrament meeting talks by the branch president and stake president.
Gospel Principles class.
Being on missionary council.
My stake president randomly giving me a loaf of bread. It tastes good.
Pain meds that work even though my cold meds don't.
Cuddling with Baby Holland.
How Cassidy just jumps when she's excited.
Chicken nuggets.
Watching Pokemon DP because it is the only thing that calms all of the kids down.
Text conversations.
Friends on missions.
Friends who are getting ready to go on missions.
Missionaries in general.
"So I heard there were brownies."
"Are those brownies in that bag?"
"Maybe I should just always carry around brownies to give to people." "That would be a good idea."
Jordan listening to me talk about my concerns about the branch and giving advice even though council meeting was over and he probably wanted to go home.
Riding home from church with Jason.
People who share my excitement with me.
FHE and half price apps.
Church in general.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Hellz Ya!

So hell is my new favorite word. Get over it. I really don't see hell as a swear word. I know, I know, you're saying right now but, but, but it is. And while your reasoning is bulletproof, I just don't agree. I'm not dissing heck either, just saying it doesn't always get the point across. Here are some of my favorite usages.
In agreement: "Do you want to go to Horkleys?" "Hellz ya!"
When asked to make a decision: "Ah hell, I don't know"
When speaking as English Tom Widdison: "ah bloody hell, that ref wouldn't know a yellow card from a red card if I shoved it up his fookin arse and showed him"
When someone does something that I don't understand "What in THE hell are you ......."(the emphasis on the is very, very important)
When responding no to a question "Hell no!'
Or how I say it around little kids. Example one "ah H E double hockey sticks" Example two: "Helllllllo operator I need the number for the book depository."
In church: " And woe unto the liar for he shall be thrust down to hell"
Giving directions: "Go to hell......street. mmmmmkay, and when you get there you're going to want to take a right. Don't do it, go left instead and it will be right in front of you."
When I touch something hot "HOLY HELL THAT'S HOT!"

Well those are just a few of my favorite say with the word hell. So please don't get offended if and when I use it around you.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Interactive tuesdays

Seinfeld fans out there might recall the episode where Jerry wakes up in the middle of the night and writes down what thinks is a very funny bit. But in the morning he can't read his handwriting. I had similar experience this morning. I remember waking up and laughing to myself about this little scenario that played through my head. It was about 4 or 5 in the morning so no one was awake so I could tell them, I thought about waking Zach up but he probably wouldn't be awake enough to find it funny(side note, sometimes when I can't sleep I am tempted to wake Zach up and tell him that he is late for work...just to entertain myself) So I just went back to sleep. So now I can't remember why it was so funny. All remember is wondering what the people who feed the bears at bear world are thinking? Because they are potentially the food themselves. So here are four possible answers, you pick which one is the funniest.

1. Before I got this job I thought bears were carnivores. I'm so glad my boss pointed out they only eat plants. Hey bear, come get your rabbit!

2. Say Bill, what did you say happened to the last guy?

3. Please for the love of all that is holy, not today!

4. These are black bears right?

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Like Mike

I recently experienced a wide range of emotions over the new like button on facebook. When I first logged in and saw it I was confused. "What in the wide world of sports is this" I chuckled to my self. Soon I was intrigued by it. But what does it do? Then my curiosity got the best of me and I clicked it. Now I was excited, I had to tell everyone I could that I liked stuff! But before long I became jealous, other people were liking stuff too. I felt pure hatred every time I saw someones name say they liked something that I too had liked. Then a funny thing happened, I felt joy. No, not the girl that works down the street cause that would be assault brotha, but the emotion of joy. I felt this because I realized that everyone liked stuff and that we could in fact all get along. As soon as I felt that I became bored with like. I hate joy.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Bill Murray

So it turns out that I am either a groundhog or like unto a groundhog. Every morning I awake from my hibernation if you will and then proceed to look for my shadow. But alas it is never there which means work comes way to early yet again.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

My 75 year plan

So, I am wondering what my "legacy" will be. What I will be remembered for. You know what I mean, like in 15 to 20 years when I pop up in peoples mind what the first memory of me is. I bet that they will be like "oh he was really funny" or "man was he handsome" or "gosh darn he was nice" sure, sure these things are nice and all but I want something that really stands out. Something no one will forget. So here are a few scenarios that I would like to see play out:

1. I would like to experience a life altering event that causes me to withdraw from society and build a masterpiece. Like some sort of structure that is really tall and leans to one side but doesn't fall down(no relation to the leaning tower of Pisa, cause that tower sucks). Or a labyrinth that never ends. But then it does end, and at the end is not David Bowie, but a sign that says exit.

2.Develop a cure for quicksand.

3. Be involved in a police chase. You know one along the lines of the one in Blues Brothers or Raising Arizona. There are three main parts that this chase must include. First, the beginning, duh. But I would prefer that is starts when I run from a building just as the cops show up. Prompting me to state the obvious and yell "COPS!" Second, the actual chase. This part has to include a lot of running and knocking over stuff. Also a very key part in this section that I think a lot of people overlook is the chance for humor to be injected into the situation. For example, as you are running you might run by a mirror and stop to make sure you still look sharp. You and a buddy may be escaping together and you stop to talk to an attractive lady and he comes back and yanks you away. Or my personal favorite would be you are running as fast as you can and you take an elevator, or an escalator and there is the awkward couple of seconds where you just stand there, you just stand there. Third, the part where it appears that you are cornered. This usually results in one of two things. A, you are cornered. B, you escape by some sort of miracle and or ineptness of the police.

4. I could put win the lottery here but c'mon, lets be serious, that wouldn't make me stand out. 20 years from now someone would be "oh hey, I had a friend who won the lottery once, what was his name, it sounded kinda like marbles the frown or something like that, I don't know" Ya, not what I am going for. Instead I could become someone that could always pick the right numbers. People could hire me and I would whisper the numbers in their ear. I would be known as the Lottery Whisperer. Ya, that sounds good.

5. Be the first man to walk on the moon, right Zach? Eh? Eh? Eh! You know what I'm talking about.

Well, that's just a couple things that came to mind to help people always remember me. But hey, that's what living this life in the day of Thome is all about, that and picking up chicks. HONK HONK. jk, but seriously.

Friday, January 16, 2009


So sometimes i forget that people that don't know me too well don't get that i am always sarcastic and if they say something dumb I usually call them out on it. Well today at work I had this customer that kept complaining about this part and how GM should fix it and he kept saying over and over that I should call GM and let them know they have a problem with this part. Usually I control myself with customers but this guy just kept going on and on about so I finally said "let me get the general of the motors on the phone right now." I think he realized I was making fun of him cause he didn't bring it up again. But I can just picture this happening and me actually calling the general of the motors. He would be in an important meeting and his secretary would come in and say"Mr. Motors?" and hey would yell "WHAT!" "Sir, Tom is on line one for you" He would answer the phone and say "Tom you chode! I owe you a shot to the nuts!" We would chat for a bit about the war, our fishing trips and how how everyone is old and fat. Then we would hang up without discussing the original reason I called but I would tell the customer that they are "on it" and I will let you know.
On a side note, Mountain Dew changed the look of their cans. I am stunned. they no longer spell out mountain. Its just MTN DEW. It just shows how bad the economy really is. They can no longer afford the O,U,N,A, and I. Vanna White would be rolling over in her grave if she was dead. Welp, I am off to do..something.

Thursday, January 1, 2009


Well, Well, Well, So we meet again 2009. Silence Octopussy!
Anyways I have had some good experiences on new years eve the last few years, I would like to share some of them with you.
2003 - As a missionary you would think that new years eve would be boring. Well you are correct but I still enjoyed it. Our mission president gave us permission to stay up until midnight(thanks dad). But no t.v. and no party makes new years dull right. Well we played uno and phase ten and we snuck out and borrowed the neighbor kids razor scooters and rode the block to the 7-11 for Slurpee's. Ya, go ahead and say it. We were rebels with out a cause.Except our cause were Slurpee's.
2004 - drove to Ohio. Wait that one sucked. never mind.
2005 - The Vegas. This trip was highlighted by two things. First we stayed in complete strangers houses all week. The first guy we got there and he says "oh ya, I'm leaving at 6 in the morning. just lock the door when you leave" uh, okay. At 6 in the a.m. some guy keeps knocking on the door. Steve and I have the same thought. If we act like we are asleep maybe he will go away. Except Steve blew it by looking up and they guy was looking through the window and saw him. But we stuck with the whole "asleep"thing. Second, some Asian tourist gave us tickets to this 4d show.
2006 - Snowboarding in Breckenridge, CO. Best new years ever. The snow was sweet, the resort was awesome. We saw Shaun White tearin up the park, NBD. Two funny stories about this year. First while snowboarding, I lost control and ran into my buddy,Asian Ryan. My board went over his and between his legs and I knocked him down. So he is on his back and laying on my board, I can't move cause he is on my board. I'm tell him to move but he can't, he is yelling "get off me!" but I can't move either. Best part, this all happened right under the chair lift. Second, right at midnight in d-town Denver this guy comes up and starts rapping to us, here it is"Life ain't so hard living in a penitentiary, OOOOH FIREWORKS!" and the he walks off, distracted by the fireworks. A couple of minutes later we watch a guy get arrested and as he is being led off in handcuffs he looks at us and say" happy new years"nice guy really. Oh and driving in the middle of the night in a blizzard I almost hit a stroller in the middle of the freeway. Not sure if there was or was not a baby in there.
2007-(footage missing)
2008 - The Vegas II. Nothing too noteworthy, Shannee did have these furry boots that I tried to return to the wild and she got really mad at me for trying to leave her boots in the middle of the desert. And I might have caused a baby brain damage. We were playing bang your head into the pillow, I may or may not have moved the pillow and his head made contact with the floor. He still doesn't talk. Not my fault though
2009- SLC. Quinn and I went traveled to Salt Lake this year. It was a ton of fun. We scored free tickets to the Utah-Gonzaga game but didn't go. Then we mostly hung out in D-town and waited for midnight. Quinn decided he needed to kiss 5 girls by midnight so we didn't see a lot of him, just randomly in the crowd. Although I did see him almost make out with a big black guy. True story. I touched a guy with a big red feathery coat. Tried to eat Shannee's coat(i was hungry) and then after midnight I kept wishing people happy Easter. This one drunk guy was really confused. He was heard mumbling as he walked off, "what is that guy talking about, its not Easter, its new years" Then in the car this guy honks at us and we roll the window down, this was the conversation. him"happy new years!' me"happy Easter" him "no man, happy new year"me"happy Easter?" him "ya, happy mother effin Easter!' me "oh in that case, happy new years!